Standing Still

I don't mean to add two posts in a row that are sad, but I can't help but to share my thoughts. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and in the morning we went and helped prepare a Thanksgiving brunch for the poor. As we drove away in our Lexus to come home to a huge meal, warmth, and many luxuries, I couldn't help but think of how many things I take for granted. Don't get me wrong. I am extremely grateful for the things I have and the people that are around me, but I am not grateful like I should be. I thank the Lord for the many blessings that he has given me, but I don't thank Him constantly. I don't thank Him when I put a log on the fire or when I pull a pie out of the oven. I don't thank Him when my family sits around watching old family videos or when I sit with my laptop using wireless internet. These everyday, very real things are huge blessings. They don't go unnoticed; I recognize the moment and cherish it, but I should be thanking God for affording me with that moment.
Today, as we drove back from the mall, I text my friend asking her about the car she drove because my parents and I are looking into buying me a car. Now, I feel beyond greedy and selfish. My friend text me back and told me that the father of a family on our swim team passed away. He was late 40s/early 50s. How can that be? How can I be worrying about what car I will get when another family is worrying about what they will do without their father? I think of my life and how I would respond or even be able to live my life if I lost a family member. I don't want to imagine it and I can't fathom it. How can I be so concerned with such trivial things?
Then, just moments ago, my mom received a phone call from a college friend about one of their friends who is in the hospital fighting cancer. She was put into ICU and sedated without any family or friends there to OK this step. All I can think about is her and her family and the family of the father that passed away. I am so blessed and I don't even thank the Lord for every wonderful moment that he has given me. I thank the Lord for an amazing family, but I don't thank Him for specific things when something happens. Shame on me. How dare I not thank the Lord for every minute of beautiful life that he has laid out for me? I continuously say that I want to be a better person and a better Christian, but I will never be better if I don't take the steps to become a better person. I owe my family, my friends, and, most of all, my Lord God more. I owe Him my life and it is His to have. I am his humble servant and I can never let that knowledge leave the front of my mind. It is so easy to stumble and stray from the glorious path of Christ, but I can't afford to lose sight of the light. Jesus Christ is my savior and my light. I love Him!

Forgetting My Worries & Counting My Blessings

Today started like any other day, got up, shuffled downstairs, coffee, work... I came up short when I logged onto Facebook though. We all know the drastic changes that Facebook has been going through recently (and, trust me, I write a full post on how frustrating that is), but that is not the point I am getting to. Today, while I sit at my computer worrying about who I am going live with next year, praying my brother and his girlfriend will have a safe trip, and contemplating what I'm going to eat for dinner, is Faith Cline's 19th birthday.
I'm pretty sure that I've written about Faith before, but she is such an influential part of my life and it seems wrong to not celebrate her life again. She taught me so much about living a happy and full life, celebrating everything, talking to others in a kind way, being slow to anger, and love the Lord God with all your heart. She was never afraid or embarrassed to answer questions about her cancer. Faith taught me to have faith (her name suits her so well!) in the Lord's plan and to answer to him first before I try to live my life. He is the one and only who will get me through the tough times to bring me to the good times.
She has been gone for a little over a year now and today, her birthday, reminds me to not take anything for granted and to walk through life with an open mind and heart. I am reminded that my struggles in life are nothing compared to the heartache and fierce longing that Faith's family and friends must feel everyday. She always strove to help others and put a smile on other's faces even when she was so sick. I pray that I may live a life like Faith lived hers. She knew how to worship Christ and please Him in everything she did. She is one of my biggest role models and recall her  life to help me make good decisions. She was truly an angel and, somehow, I was lucky enough to know her. I am so blessed!

Do Unto Others

Last year when all of my friends were trying to decide who to live with in the sorority house, we ended up cutting one girl out of the group to make the rooming situation work. At the time, all I think of was how grateful I was that that one girl wasn't me. That, after all the years of being picked last for teams and not invited to parties, I was in the "in group." That I was wanted. Since then I have felt regret. Regret for neglecting her, for not telling her who I was living with, for being secretive. 

Now, one year later, I am in her position. It's time to figure out who is living with who in apartments next year and I got cut out of the group. It hurts. I felt like they went behind my back to plan living arrangements without me. It's been a constant struggle to not get upset with them or talk down to them. I have brought up the situation once, told them how I felt, cleared the air, and I pray that I do not bring it up again. 

I am being taught a lesson. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Ephesians 4:32 says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Jesus calls us to live in the light of His father, but how can we do that when we are so concerned with ourselves. I am upset that my friends are not including me, but Matthew says, "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." (18:15) He doesn't say to belittle him or hurt his feelings. It feels good to yell and put down someone how has gone against you, but that good feeling lasts for only a moment. Regret takes its place very quickly. Live life as Jesus did: forgive others and love them whole-heartedly.

When in doubt, STOP

Just yesterday I was writing about how I was still trying to accept the fact that I am not running for an executive position. Today, within the last 30 minutes, I know that I made a good decision. How do I know? Well, I'm in the process of becoming initiated into The National Society of Leadership and Success. Sounds fancy, huh? Well we have to attend 3 speaker series and one was tonight. I have an exam tomorrow (why am I blogging?), and so I couldn't decide whether or not I should go. I tried talking myself out of going, but I felt a pull and a need to attend. This pull, I believe, was God. He knew that I needed to go. I'm glad I listened, because Alton Brown (the crazy cool guy on The Food Network) was speaking. He said a lot of things, but the two things that really stuck out to me were 1) when in doubt, stop and 2) say no.
His point with "when in doubt, stop" was that America runs on people who can go, go, go, but the successful people know when to stop. He stressed that you must stop sometimes, especially when times are tough, and survey where you are in life. If you continually keep going, you are going to mess things up. That's where learning to say no comes into play. You might be offered a great job, position, opportunity, but if it is not in line with what you want and who you are, then say no. You can't ruin something by not taking part in it.... you weren't a part of it. The moment you say no to something, you become that much more desirable as a person. I'm not trying to be desirable by saying no to exec, but I think that by stoping, surveying my life, and saying no to a position, I have bettered myself. Alton stressed that it's ok to take a break. Other people might not get it, but as long as you remember who you are and what you are capable of, you will be fine, no matter how long your break is.
The fact that I felt drawn to the speaker series and that I got so many answers out of it, is my assurance that God did not want me in an exec position this year. I had to take a break. I have to remember what is important in my life. If I decide to run for a position next year, it will be for the right reasons and it will be after I have my grades and social life in order. This break is needed and I have to keep telling myself that I was right to stop and I have to keep the word "no" in the front of my mind when making decisions. Those two concepts will get me farther in life than any position ever could.

Selfish

For the past two months I have been debating wether or not to run for an executive position in my sorority. It has been gnawing at me. What will make me happy? How will I handle the added stress and pressure in my life? Will I maintain my friendships if I still live in the sorority house? Question after question flash through my mind every day. One minute, I have completely talked myself out of running for an executive position and, the next I can't imagine life without doing exec. It has been a long month.
I had been wanting to speak with someone who was removed from the whole situation and any time I tried to set up a time to talk, it never worked out. It was no ones fault, it's just a busy time of the year. It still left me with biased opinions on what my next would be. When I was beginning to accept that I wasn't going to talk to anyone, my friend Ellie reached out to me. Ok, well I kind of dragged her into my web of problems, but she was more than willing to help. Once I told her of the pros and cons of an exec position, she looked at me and softly said, "It's ok to be selfish sometimes." Her point was that I had serious cons about a position and I needed to think of myself and how I would develop as a person under so much stress.
I accepted it. I accept it. I'm still accepting it. Every part of my being wants to be on exec and make a difference, but my grades and social life are holding me back. I desperately want to have the time to do exec, yet I stand here defeated. I keep telling myself, "I can't do it all." Those five words, arranged in that order, though, are new to me. I have always been able to do it all. I feel defeated and like I am losing the person that I thought I was. I keep trying to remind myself that God will make it right. It doesn't matter how badly I mess up, God has a place in my life and will watch over me. While I feel his presence, I am still scared. I am scared of letting people down. I am scared of ruining my next year in school. I am scared of losing myself.
Life throws us curve balls and it's scary. While I can't say that it ever gets easier or that I have gotten used to the feeling of unbalance, I know that I am not the only one going through tough decisions. Everyone has a life and is working to be the best that they can be.