Just Passing Through

After four days of restless anticipation, I got the email about the job that I interviewed for. It was a no. I didn't get the position; I don't get to be a part of an awesome organization that gets to touch thousands of live. It stinks, I can't lie. It does. I keep repeating the numbers, though: from 288 applicants to 36 people asked back for a second interview to 15 people who actually got the job. I made it to that 36. Wow. The numbers make me feel good. Especially because I was asked back after a group interview with 6 other people. So, not only did I outshine those 6 people, but also 252 other people. Yes, those are good numbers. I'm choosing to keep repeating that stat.
As soon as I text my family about it, they all called me. My mom asked me if I cried--she knows me so well, or at least used to. I didn't cry when I read the email. It was tempting, but I chose to be bigger than this situation. It would be incredibly easy to let this drag me down, to let this consume my life. I'm not going to let it though. My friend shared a saying with me last week that keeps running through my mind.

"You're just passing through." 

She explained to me that when a bad thing pops up in our lives that it won't last. Everything will eventually go away, which means that we are just passing through that point in our lives or that situation. Even good things will come to an end, so enjoy it while you have it so that you can continue on with your life once it is gone. I was given this amazing opportunity--top 36! woot woot!--but I'm not lingering at this point along my life journey. I'm now viewing this event as a huge learning experience. The second interview for this position was the first time that I was in a one-on-one interview. I learned from it and now I know what it's like.
I'm convinced that the only reason this would be a bad situation is if I allowed myself to perceive it as bad. I still plan on eating a huge bowl of ice cream to comfort myself, but this situation is not a bad thing. It's just the opposite though! I got a confidence boost for being asked back for a second interview; I experienced a one-on-one interview; I was able to meet and talk with some remarkable and inspiring people. To me, that is a success and a point in my life to celebrate. It's also exciting to think about what the Lord has planned for me in the future. I wanted this so much, that I know, if God didn't see fit for me to get the position, that he has some huge things coming my way in the future. Now, that is an overwhelming thought. God has my whole life planned. My whole life. Wow. When I remind myself to think like that, I know that this little hiccup is nothing to worry about. I'm going to encounter more obstacles in my life, but this isn't one that I need to worry about. God has my back. 

Worrywart

As I sat down in the waiting room for a HUGE interview, I starting rubbing my hands together, picking at my nails, and shifting my gaze. I took a few deep breaths, said a prayer, and, 30 minutes later, the interview was over. Walking out of the room, I felt good. I was confident in all of my answers, even though I stumbled a few times. Now that I have had time for the entire interview to sink in, I've started to worry again.
Why did I answer that question like that? I should have answered it like this. Why didn't I elaborate more on this topic? I should have mentioned that I'm good with time management. The list goes on and on. I keep reminding myself that I did the best I could; it's hard to think on your feet and relax enough in an interview to let your guard down. Still, I can't help but bring myself down. I'm beginning to take the stance that if I go ahead and accept that I did not receive the position, it will be less heart breaking when I don't get it. It goes against one of my biggest goals in life: be positive about every situation and learn from it. I know that I did what I could and that the rest is in God's hands. If I am meant to receive this position, I will. If not, then I either would not have been happy in the position or there is something else better down the road. I know this. I know this. I know... I... It is easy to say, but it's a hard pill to swallow.
I think that we--society and the people that make it up--get so bogged down with worrying. We worry about traffic, the weather, friends and family members, whether we'll make a good grade on an exam, or if we'll get that promotion at work. I feel as though we spend more time worrying about these things than we do actually living. It's a personal thing, for sure. How do we fix it though? How do we focus on things we can control, rather than the things we have no control over?
My answer: be yourself and let God take care of the rest. Whatever happens, He will not lead you astray. He always has your best intentions in mind.
So, while I want to sit here and dwell on my interview and what I didn't or should have said, I'm going to get ahead on homework and live my life. I'm going to focus on the things that are still in my control and be happy with whatever I am given. Well, I'm going to try...

Do ≠ Be

Today was a good day.
Correction: today was a great day!
I cannot lie and say that I haven't realized it, but I haven't been myself--whoever that "self" is--for a long time now. I started losing that weird/funny/crazy self that I loved when I first walked into my dorm room freshman year. From my last blog, it's clear that I've changed and while I am happy with the person that I have become, I've felt incomplete for the past couple of months. I've felt like the inside aspects of who I am have gotten stronger, but the outside facade has crumbled. I thought I was crazy and I probably sound crazy writing this, but here goes!
I had lunch with my wonderful friend, Ellie, today. She is so great! Anyways, I had asked her to eat with me as a kind of "pump up" for a big interview that I had today. An hour and a half later we had covered a huge amount of topics, but Ellie shared with me something that made me stop dead in my tracks
"What we do doesn't define who we are."
Now, she said this to the girl who defined herself as a swimmer, then as a student government nerd in high school. I defined who I was by what I was involved in. While I don't regret viewing my high school years like that, I finally understand why I haven't been happy these past few months. As soon as I lost my student government position and my swim team captain title, I didn't have anything to define myself. I've gotten involved in a lot in college and I love the organizations that I am a part of, but I didn't feel that same passion that I did for student government or swimming. I think that disconnection is part of growing up and realizing that these organizations don't define me. Which, thanks to Ellie, I can finally understand.
So with this huge realization today, I am left with the oh-so-simple question: Who am I? So simple, right? (That's sarcasm, people.) For now, I'm going to focus on baby steps to figure out the answer to this one. I just had to share my relief and comfort in the fact that I have finally begun to understand the high school to college changes... about time, right?

From Past to Present

The screensaver on our family computer is a slideshow of pictures throughout the years. One of the pictures that popped up today was a still shot from a music video that I was in and helped produce in high school. If you know me at all you know then you know that I ended up digging out the DVD of the music video and watched it and other high school videos. Seeing the videos again, recognizing my old friends, and recalling the behind-the-scenes events made me reminisce about high school.
I've said it to a few people before, but I've never fully confronted an issue that has weighed heavy on my heart for a few years now. Throughout all of grade school -- we're talking K-12 here -- I had a solid group of friends. The friend groups altered here and there, but I am proud of the people that have surrounded me during my life. While I always had very close friends, I wasn't everyone's friend. Now, when I say that I went to a high school with 2,100 students, that fact seems reasonable. However, it wasn't the size of my school or the people in my classes that I blame for not being everyone's friend. Growing up, I was so focused on me, my family and my friends. While there is nothing wrong with that, I took it to the extreme. I shunned people who I didn't think were "cool" or that I thought were weird. As hard as it is to type, I have to be honest: I was not a nice person. You name it, I said it when I shouldn't have or didn't say it when I should have spoken up. I belittled others to make myself feel better and said horrible things to people who had only ever been nice to me.
The people that I have shared this with have given me shocked expressions and say that they doubt I was as mean as I say. Their expression and kind words warm my heart because it tells me that I have changed and grown. Every day I pray that I can carry out God's will and that I can glorify His name. I'm confident that, at least in small ways, I proclaim His word in my actions. Although I cannot undo the wrongs of the past, I feel that I can offset those wrongs by including others and choosing what is right over what is easy in the present and future. It's hard to look back on my high school years and recall all of the mean things that I did and I wish like crazy that I could apologize for things that I did. I'm not one to say that it's too late to do something, but, in this situation, I'm afraid that it is too late. However, I pray that by paying it forward each and every day that I can work off the debt that I owe myself and to all those that I hurt in the past. I want to be a better and always push myself to grow. If it seems childish, I'm sorry. I believe, though, that if you ever get to the point where you think you are done growing, you're in a bad place. So, I pray that we can all learn from the past, be better in the future, and love what we have today.