Insecurities

We all have one thing that we just wish that we could change: hips, nose, weight, athleticism, etc. Many of the things that we want to change about ourselves can be changed through diet, exercise, and so on. However, some things, such as self confidence, are harder to alter. I believe that the modern mentality has become that if you accomplish XYZ, then you will be a happy and confident person. Yet, the fact of the matter is that one positive thing does not always have a chain reaction in another area of life. I hate when this realization comes to me, because I am the type of person that, if I just keep going, perhaps something good will happen in all aspects of my life.
If you can't tell, I am fresh off of the couch from watching "Say Yes To The Dress: Big Bliss." The special was focus on plus size brides and the extra trials and tribulations that they go through. All but one of the women featured on the show claimed that they were extremely confident and proud of their curves; to them, I say congrats. The "but one" of the group simply said that the mirror was her reality and that she was terrified of getting stuck in a dress. I pray that I never have to experience that worry, but I found the honesty in her words so pure. For women of all sizes watching that, it was an inspirational moment. The brides telling the cameras about their men brought my mind back to a conversation that I had this morning.
I was at work and my assistant coach asked me in front of another coach if I had ever kissed a guy. Ding, ding, ding, we have insecurity #2 front and center. The fact that I haven't been kissed isn't what I am insecure about. I am more insecure with the fact that I haven't been in any long relationships. I know plenty of amazing guys, but I am too unsure of myself to take my foot out of my mouth. To say that it weighs heavily on me would be the understatement of the year. To make things even better, my assistant coach continued on to say that if I ever needed to talk to someone about "that" that her sister has only kissed her now fiance. I reassured that I was fine, but she gave me this "I feel sorry for you and I'm better then you look" that simply crushed me. It doesn't help that I was already a little frustrated with her. I don't want to talk about my assistant coach, because she is a good person and the purpose of the post wasn't to diminish her. The purpose of this post was to realize that my insecurities might not be the normal ones that we hear about.
I want a boyfriend; I want to be kissed; I want to blush when my guy looks at me. Right now, though, I am trying to live my life the best way that I know how and to be happy at each point in my life. I pray every day that I may lead a life that glorifies the Lord and that I can give over all of myself to Him for only He knows the right path for my life. I guess that I need to add my insecurities to the "Lord, take this off my plate" list. He will give me a person that betters me and that I can learn from when He knows that I am ready for it. That fact is hard to remember sometimes, but it is a fact.

Two Left Feet

I love to try new things: food, restaurants, places, etc. I also love to dance. However, put "new" and "dance" together and my body goes into crazy mode. My friends and I were hanging out tonight and we were swing dancing and learning new moves. Correction, I was simply learning how to trust myself. I don't know if I was hesitant to jump and swing because I have no hand/eye coordination or if I was scared to have someone else supporting all of my weight. Either way, tonight was a mess. I have always watched all of the TV dancing competitions and wished that someday I would have the opportunity to learn the steps and flips. Tonight was that chance, and I didn't seize it. For a person who grasps every moment by the horns, letting an opportunity slip by is extremely frustrating.
I need to learn how to let go, how to put my worries and fears in the coat check while I have a good time inside. I need to learn how to trust the Lord with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul so that he can lead me on the dance floor. He is leading my life and I am sitting here trying to control it and make it perfect. I know that, while it might not be perfect, the Lord will lead me to and through whatever situations lay ahead of me. I need to let go and let God be my rhythm and beat.

Speak Now

Yes, the title of list post is a Taylor Swift song. In her song, she stands up during a wedding and tells the groom to leave the bride and run away with her. Not something that would usually happen, and I'm not talking about the fact that the groom actually leaves the bride on the alter. Rather, I am referring to the fact that TSwift summons the courage to speak up about her true feelings and beliefs. I don't want this to turn into a cheesy "why can't I just say what I mean" post, but I think that every one of us has been in a situation where we cannot find the guts to say what our heart is telling us to say.
Perhaps you have trouble finding the right words. That is my case 80% of the time. The other 20% of the time my heart and/or my head is stuck in my throat. I am either afraid to say something or my mind begins racing about what might happen if I say something that my opportunity to say something disappears. The moments pass me by where I have the chance to raise my voice. I am a firm believer that the Lord gives me opportunities and, after a certain number of times of the moments not being seized, he moves on and allows me to move on too. So, if I don't say something by my 5th or 6th opportunity, I might as well move on. This whole thing was sparked because of a guy. However, I think that it applies to other aspects of your life as well: not discussing your feelings with a friend, talking to a person at work about a projects, etc.
I believe in confidence, finding a purpose and passion in life, being yourself, and living life to the fullest. I also believe that I accomplish these four things the majority of the time. Sometimes, and this is one of those times, I just wish I could take a big gulp and, heart racing, say what my heart is begging me to say.