Anonymity

Writing used to come so easily to me. It started as just a thought and, instead of letting it slip my mind and end as just a thought, I'd explore. Dig in and look at it from every angle. My ability and desire to write a post slowly started to dwindle the more time I spent in the corporate world. Knowing that my boss or peers could jump on my blog at any time made me think twice about posting. Perhaps it was just the atmosphere of my first job or perhaps it goes deeper into outgrowing my college-self, but I didn't want everyone to know what I was thinking.

I started going to a bible study. I'm better understanding His word.
I didn't like my first job out of college. I learned a lot though.
I searched for a job for five months. It was disheartening and felt endless.
I gave up Facebook for Lent. I didn't miss it.
I started a new job. I got to tell friends face-to-face, not via social media about it.
I moved into my own apartment. I felt free.
That job I started. I love it.
God is good. He's working in my life every day.

So much has changed. I started this blog my freshmen year of college as an escape, as a way to let off steam. It helped. It got me in trouble once or twice, but overall I was able to write what was on my mind and move on. This blog has chronicled summer internships, trips overseas, losses and visions for the future. I've loved it; seeing my crazy thoughts and dreams come to life. I'm thankful for that late night during freshmen year when I didn't want to study for a test, so I decided to write about my detest for the class. My procrastination for school turned into an amazing outlet for me.

Although I don't think anyone really keeps up or reads my blog,--and I'm ok with that--I felt a certain obligation to "close it out" or "wrap it up". I've taken to journaling and keeping my thoughts for myself. My writing is still powerful and a worthwhile outlet for me, but now it's just mine. I don't have to tweet about it or post a link. It's just for my benefit; it's personal. Privacy and anonymity is powerful; I think our society has forgotten that.

It's my birthday & I'll cry if I want to

Today was my 23rd birthday. Old and current friends reached out on social media and via text to wish me a happy birthday. I got my free birthday Starbucks latte. I went to dinner with friends. My parents had cupcakes when I got home. I am healthy. I have a job. I have a loving family. I have a car that runs. I have access to nutritious food. I have a warm home and roof over my head. Summed up: I am extremely blessed. There is nothing missing from my life that I truly need for survival. From the outside looking in, my life is happy, neat and seemly effortless.

What I have come to realize is that, while my life is very blessed and I thank the Lord every day for all He has given me, I am making myself unhappy. I don't want to say that I am a people pleaser--I have worked very hard over the past four years to take into consideration the expectations of others while first and foremost staying true to myself--but I am overly agreeable. I don't want anyone to go out of their way on my account. Today, however, on my birthday, I expected... more. Perhaps this was too high of an expectation, but I imagined the day feeling different, special, mine.

What I have come to realize over the past few days is that I will go out of my way to make a friend or family member's birthday special. I will build it up for them, tell their peers, bake them their favorite dessert and wrap a gift. (Ok, I really like birthdays.) I think that I build up my own birthday as well, except I don't tell my peers or try to make people feel guilty if they forgot. There is no Megan running around on my birthday to make me feel special. It stinks and makes me a cross between mad and sad.

Once that mad/sad emotion settles in, I get even more upset for being mad. I feel guilty and self-centered. I try not to want to be the center of attention. Normally, I don't want to be the center of attention. Just one day a year though, I want to be the person that people seek out, the person that people go out of their way for to celebrate.

I feel convicted for even writing this, but I needed to get it out. Crying a few times and fighting back tears on your birthday, isn't the best way to celebrate what a wonderful year I had had, all that I had accomplished and all that I had experienced. I am inconceivably blessed. Beyond words, I am blessed. My parents, brother and sister-in-law, friends and extended family are such a strong support system. I'm not sure if my expectations are just too high or if the stress of other circumstances in my life are making me crack. I have learned to go with the flow and not let petty things bother me, but I also need to learn when and how to voice my anguish. I brush things off and tell people "not to worry," yet I am breaking inside. The heaviness from my hurt drowns me. Even as a swimmer in high school, I am terrified of drowning. Now the challenge is to learn how to swim in this and not let my unvoiced expectations rule situations. Here's to learning something new in the next year!

What wonders time can bring forth

I think the easiest and most direct thing to call it is anger. For so many years, as long as I can remember, I was angry. It took on different forms--frustration, annoyance, impatient--but it still seemed to underlie the majority of my emotions.

Even when I was happy, I was jealous; when I was joyous, I was disheartened; when I was seemingly at peace, I was uneasy. 

I searched for years for things that would fill me up, to make me happy and joyous and at peace. I would make a new friend, get a good grade, learn something new and, for awhile, I felt fulfilled. It was a fleeting sensation and never lasted. So I dedicated myself to more organizations, interviewed for bigger and better committee boards and internships and befriended more people. It was all consuming and I was good at it. I'd get every position on every board I applied to. I was turning down offers. I was in demand. Yet, I spent more time trying to find things to help me feel happy than I spent actually celebrating life. 

I'm not sure when it happened, when it finally clicked. Perhaps two years ago, maybe more recently, but I finally realized that I was running. I was running from myself, from taking a moment to pause and look internally at who I was, who I was becoming and who I wanted to be. This realization was honestly more terrifying than actually sitting down to figure myself out. I was living blindly. I had nowhere else to run, no other pages to turn. 

I tried to sit down, but couldn't turn off my mind. It was constantly running, looking for the next thing to add and consequently mark off my various to-do lists. Again, I don't know if I can pin down the time or place when I was finally able to just stop, but it just happened. I started saying no to things that I wasn't passionate about. I started doing things "just because." I stopped getting and posting on Facebook so much. I picked up my phone and dialed a friend's number instead of just texting. I started investing my time in the things that matter to me, instead of the things that will set me apart on my resume.

Much of this change started with my new bible study, although that is a topic for another time. The thing is, I realized that this time, right now, matters. I don't get it back. I hated myself for being single, but realized that I won't be on my own and able to do my own thing forever. I hated myself for working freelance (although not for lack of trying to find a full-time position), but realized that this experience has taught me what I don't want in a job and where my professional strengths and passions lie.

All of it. Every smile, encounter, moment, every day is shaping me. When all is said and done, I want to recognize the shape I am molded into. I want to like what I see. So while I also hit the gym so I like what I see in the mirror, I have to hit the books (aka The Bible) and spend some time alone with Him. Time. He has a plan. Patience and faith in His timing has become my constant prayer and it's a good one. 

Technology stealing our story

I watched a TED talk recently that spoke about technology and how it is changing the way we as individuals and as a society communicate. It made extremely valid points: technology is making silence uncomfortable, we'd rather look at our phone than look someone in the eye, we run from conversations and turn instead to texting and messaging. In summary, technology, and social media for that matter, has made conversing with people awkward, strained and all but impossible.

The talk was given in 2011.

The future that the speaker painted is our reality now. I'm currently headed to California for a conference. I squished between two people and yet, I am on my computer and have my headphones in to listen to--and half pay attention to--the movie playing on the flight. I'm guilty of it too. The constant battle.

Since I graduated college and have begun working, I've realized how technologically lazy I have become. In one regard, I have given up texting. I commute an hour to work, so I have begun calling friends and cousins on my ride. By the time I get home, I don't want to touch my phone. I just want to make dinner, watch the news and go to bed by 9pm. On the other hand, I constantly use technology, searching the web on my phone, looking up a number, on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram. I am fascinated by technology and plan on working in the communications field, with technology communications specifically, for a long time.

I pride myself on being able to talk to anyone, so the idea of falling victim to this trend of technology scares me. I'm fighting it. It is easier to get lost in the apps on my phone than strike up a conversation with a stranger, but what kind of boring society is that? It's a society that I am not willing to be a part of. We must do the uncomfortable to be gracious. We must look up from our devices to see the beauty in others' eyes. We must start talking to be able to share our story and learn new ones.