What wonders time can bring forth

I think the easiest and most direct thing to call it is anger. For so many years, as long as I can remember, I was angry. It took on different forms--frustration, annoyance, impatient--but it still seemed to underlie the majority of my emotions.

Even when I was happy, I was jealous; when I was joyous, I was disheartened; when I was seemingly at peace, I was uneasy. 

I searched for years for things that would fill me up, to make me happy and joyous and at peace. I would make a new friend, get a good grade, learn something new and, for awhile, I felt fulfilled. It was a fleeting sensation and never lasted. So I dedicated myself to more organizations, interviewed for bigger and better committee boards and internships and befriended more people. It was all consuming and I was good at it. I'd get every position on every board I applied to. I was turning down offers. I was in demand. Yet, I spent more time trying to find things to help me feel happy than I spent actually celebrating life. 

I'm not sure when it happened, when it finally clicked. Perhaps two years ago, maybe more recently, but I finally realized that I was running. I was running from myself, from taking a moment to pause and look internally at who I was, who I was becoming and who I wanted to be. This realization was honestly more terrifying than actually sitting down to figure myself out. I was living blindly. I had nowhere else to run, no other pages to turn. 

I tried to sit down, but couldn't turn off my mind. It was constantly running, looking for the next thing to add and consequently mark off my various to-do lists. Again, I don't know if I can pin down the time or place when I was finally able to just stop, but it just happened. I started saying no to things that I wasn't passionate about. I started doing things "just because." I stopped getting and posting on Facebook so much. I picked up my phone and dialed a friend's number instead of just texting. I started investing my time in the things that matter to me, instead of the things that will set me apart on my resume.

Much of this change started with my new bible study, although that is a topic for another time. The thing is, I realized that this time, right now, matters. I don't get it back. I hated myself for being single, but realized that I won't be on my own and able to do my own thing forever. I hated myself for working freelance (although not for lack of trying to find a full-time position), but realized that this experience has taught me what I don't want in a job and where my professional strengths and passions lie.

All of it. Every smile, encounter, moment, every day is shaping me. When all is said and done, I want to recognize the shape I am molded into. I want to like what I see. So while I also hit the gym so I like what I see in the mirror, I have to hit the books (aka The Bible) and spend some time alone with Him. Time. He has a plan. Patience and faith in His timing has become my constant prayer and it's a good one.