Big Girl Pants

It never fails. When I lay my head down on my pillow at night, my mind starts racing. Sometimes it's happy thoughts, other times scary, etc. As I was falling asleep last night (or at least trying too), a new thought dawned upon me...
Over the past 3 weeks, I've been moving in, painting and arranging my new apartment and yesterday I finished painting the last piece of furniture. So what do I do now? The past few weeks have been so busy and my roommate and I have been trying to see how much we can get done each day. It's been a great bonding experience for her and me and we've accomplished a lot. Now, though, I have to start to lead a normal life--I'm sure you're laughing right now, but bare with me.
I've been extremely fortunate throughout my life. My parents have been well employed and have financially supported me. Now, although they are still paying in the end, I am getting the rent, electric and water bills. I am cooking all my own meals (I was meal plan the past 2 years) and I am cleaning a whole apartment, not just a tiny room shared with multiple roommates. It's been a new experience for me, an experience that I've longed for since I can remember. I've always wanted my own place to decorate and host parties. Now that it is my reality, I can't help but reminisce about all the years I spent cradling this dream/idea. Where did all those years go? Am I really old enough to live on my own?
It's a weird feeling. While all of this was in the back of my head last night, the thought that startled me the most and the thought that I want to focus on is that this is the beginning of the rest of my life. There is no more dorms, no more meal plans, no more authoritative figure watching my every move. From now on I will be in an apartment or a house, paying bills, cooking for myself and having to clean up after myself (no more "I cook, you clean" business from my parents). I have to strap on those big girl pants that have been sitting on the side lines of my life just waiting for the day when I was ready to wear them. I'm not sure if I'm ready, but I don't really have a choice in the matter. It's time to grow up. Now that it's "time" though, I don't want to take on more responsibility. I don't want to get a job or figure out my future. I want to spend my summers by the pool reading a book and my school years studying and hanging out with friends. I'm beginning to feel and see the weight (opportunities/future) of the world on my horizon. Honestly, I have to say it's quite daunting and I'd be happy to stay 20 forever. Well maybe 21 forever, for obvious reasons... although turning 21 is a scary thought too--that's so old!

Discovering Me

I am back home for the holiday weekend and so I took the opportunity to meet up with some of my best friends from high school. It's always exciting to see them and to be all together again--I don't think I'm old enough to say "like the good ole times" but it's fitting. These get togethers are always a little stiff at first: getting to know who the others are and who they have become. We went from being best friends and knowing the other's business to seeing each other every few months. It's a weird realization, but it's reality.
Anyways, my one friend was talking about starting a non-profit organization in college and we began to reminisce about how involved we were in high school (she was student body president and I was VP... only a little involved). The same non-profit that she is starting at her school is at mine and she asked if I was on the exec board or how involved I was. I am not that involved, just your standard, run-of-the-mill volunteer. I love my role in the organization and all that it stands for. I am happy. But I explained to her that the exec board approached me and asked if I would be on the board and help organize the event. I was flattered that they asked, but I declined.
A little while ago I decided that I was going to declutter my life and declining that position was part of it. I'm not saying that I am going to completely unplug. I'm 99.9% sure that that would be impossible for me. I love to be involved. However, I made a conscious decision to not sign up for more than I could handle. I got to a point last semester where I was constantly running from meeting to meeting to study group to meeting. I didn't have any "me" time. So I decided to slowly back off my volunteering and figure out who I am. Sounds daunting, doesn't it? I can't lie. It really is. I think that I had become so bogged down in organizations, positions, material possessions, etc. that I forgot what I wanted out of life. I am the volunteering, do-gooder (or at least I try to be) and I don't want to change that. When I volunteer or put forth an extra-special effort for something, I want there to be meaning behind it other than it just makes me feel good. I want to discover why I am the way that I am and why I want to volunteer and be involved. None of this is making sense in my mind and it's even more confusing in writing, but I want the things that I do to be a concious decision made by me and not just a routine that I fall into. I want to make a different in people's lives; that is my goal. But, I don't think that I can do that without first making a difference/discovery in my own life.... if that makes sense, which it probably doesn't, but there it is for what it's worth.

Pure Happiness

I always feel guilty logging on to write a post after I haven't been on in so long. I have so many different things on my mind and, being the neat freak that I am, I refuse to write about unrelated things in one post. So there might be another post happening tonight.

It's finals week (kill me) and I feel so many mixed emotions as this year is coming to an end. It seems like yesterday that I was moving into my sorority house. It's been a crazy ride: a lot of late nights, a fair amount of drama, and so many wonderful memories.

My littles and I in the north fountain. 

I just got back from studying at Jittery Joe's (shocker!) and one of my little's came to surprise me. She made me muffins and gave me my moon (sorority tradition: little's give their big's decorated moons). It's so pretty! She wrote a note on the back that brought tears to my eyes. I got home and read the back of my other little's moon and I was crying again. They have been huge support systems for me this year. It's been a busy year, and I wish that I could have spent more time with them, but I love the time that we've spent (which is probably once a week, I shouldn't complain). I got them cupcakes from Gigi's yesterday and surprised them while they were studying for finals. Their look of surprise and happiness made me realize how happy and blessed I am to have them in my life. I can't imagine this past year without them. They are literally the best! And I am sure to tell them that every day!
Although it's finals and I am stressing over my classes, staining my teeth from the amount of coffee I'm drinking, and developing serious black circles under my eyes, I am happy! I have so much to be thankful for and those blessing make me only more excited for the summer and the next year. God is good! I know I complain like crazy--I'm the first to admit it--and I know that I shouldn't because I have no reason to.
Love this crazy, hilarious, awkward, bumpy, fun, beautiful life that I've been given! #soblessed