My roommate and I had a long conversation last night about life in general as well as who we are in the most basic sense. I shared with her my current focus and struggles to always be myself. It is so easy to play up or play down parts of your personality when you are with certain people. We are all guilty of it. We all have a friend who is "crazy" and when we are with that friend, we tend to let loose a little more or be a little louder then we normally would be. Then we have a friend who is introspective and, when we are around him/her, we are quieter and more pensive. We feed off of other people's energy; it's not a bad thing, it's just part of being human.
Although I have not been able to completely stop this (it's truly quite hard), I have been more conscious of remaining true to myself at all times. Over the holidays I had quite time that I was able to dedicate to myself, to dig deep, and to uncover who I was at this point in my life. With my grandmother's passing, it was impossible to not reflect on my life to this point and the direction that my life is headed. There are some aspects that I am extremely proud of, such as my work with nonprofits and my internships. There are some parts that I need to spend more time on, like friendships and my faith. Then there are some that I need to move past, namely self-consciousness and doubt, even some friendships--I'm going to throw cussing in here as well, because it's so easy to do, yet I truly dislike foul language.
I believe that The Lord brings people into our live when we need them the most. Perhaps we need them for support during a hardship or they are supposed to teach us a lesson or we are supposed to teach them a lesson. No matter the reason, life and relationships are a journey. Some people are only brought into our lives to provide us with warmth and nourishment (for the soul) as we pass through a checkpoint. If we were to hold on to every relationship no matter how good or bad, we would have too much baggage; we wouldn't be able to continue on our journey. Then there are some people who God places in our lives to stay. I like to think of them as a pace car. They're there to encourage us and push us to keep going no matter how many times we fall. We don't have too many of these pace car friends in our lives. Think about it, not everyone can fit into one car and no one really needs more then one pace car, so we pick and choose the relationships that we focus on and improve.
I love the saying, "I'd rather have four quarters than 100 pennies." Like 100 pennies, having too many "best friends" will weigh you down. I have six friends, six quarters, that I count as my most cherished relationships. I could go to them with anything; I know that they will be there for me and vise versa. Throughout grade school and with the rise of social media, it's come to be that having more friends makes you cooler or more liked. However, I have realized that having too many close friends wears me down more then it builds me up. I'm a "more the merrier" type of person, but, when it comes to my relationships, I am selfishly selective. I don't want just anyone to be in my closest circle of friends, I want people who will help me to be better. I will never turn my back on someone that needs me, God has brought people into my life so that I can help them as well.
My point is that not everyone needs to know me at my most basic level. It's ok to pick and choose who you tell the important stuff to. Life isn't one big status (I'm still mulling over the whole social media thing), it is a series of defining moments that cannot be summed up in one or two sentences and can't even be put into words. It's the people who know you best, your quarters, that matter. For your quarters feel your pains and joys with you, they don't need a disclaimer to figure you out.
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