Do ≠ Be

Today was a good day.
Correction: today was a great day!
I cannot lie and say that I haven't realized it, but I haven't been myself--whoever that "self" is--for a long time now. I started losing that weird/funny/crazy self that I loved when I first walked into my dorm room freshman year. From my last blog, it's clear that I've changed and while I am happy with the person that I have become, I've felt incomplete for the past couple of months. I've felt like the inside aspects of who I am have gotten stronger, but the outside facade has crumbled. I thought I was crazy and I probably sound crazy writing this, but here goes!
I had lunch with my wonderful friend, Ellie, today. She is so great! Anyways, I had asked her to eat with me as a kind of "pump up" for a big interview that I had today. An hour and a half later we had covered a huge amount of topics, but Ellie shared with me something that made me stop dead in my tracks
"What we do doesn't define who we are."
Now, she said this to the girl who defined herself as a swimmer, then as a student government nerd in high school. I defined who I was by what I was involved in. While I don't regret viewing my high school years like that, I finally understand why I haven't been happy these past few months. As soon as I lost my student government position and my swim team captain title, I didn't have anything to define myself. I've gotten involved in a lot in college and I love the organizations that I am a part of, but I didn't feel that same passion that I did for student government or swimming. I think that disconnection is part of growing up and realizing that these organizations don't define me. Which, thanks to Ellie, I can finally understand.
So with this huge realization today, I am left with the oh-so-simple question: Who am I? So simple, right? (That's sarcasm, people.) For now, I'm going to focus on baby steps to figure out the answer to this one. I just had to share my relief and comfort in the fact that I have finally begun to understand the high school to college changes... about time, right?

From Past to Present

The screensaver on our family computer is a slideshow of pictures throughout the years. One of the pictures that popped up today was a still shot from a music video that I was in and helped produce in high school. If you know me at all you know then you know that I ended up digging out the DVD of the music video and watched it and other high school videos. Seeing the videos again, recognizing my old friends, and recalling the behind-the-scenes events made me reminisce about high school.
I've said it to a few people before, but I've never fully confronted an issue that has weighed heavy on my heart for a few years now. Throughout all of grade school -- we're talking K-12 here -- I had a solid group of friends. The friend groups altered here and there, but I am proud of the people that have surrounded me during my life. While I always had very close friends, I wasn't everyone's friend. Now, when I say that I went to a high school with 2,100 students, that fact seems reasonable. However, it wasn't the size of my school or the people in my classes that I blame for not being everyone's friend. Growing up, I was so focused on me, my family and my friends. While there is nothing wrong with that, I took it to the extreme. I shunned people who I didn't think were "cool" or that I thought were weird. As hard as it is to type, I have to be honest: I was not a nice person. You name it, I said it when I shouldn't have or didn't say it when I should have spoken up. I belittled others to make myself feel better and said horrible things to people who had only ever been nice to me.
The people that I have shared this with have given me shocked expressions and say that they doubt I was as mean as I say. Their expression and kind words warm my heart because it tells me that I have changed and grown. Every day I pray that I can carry out God's will and that I can glorify His name. I'm confident that, at least in small ways, I proclaim His word in my actions. Although I cannot undo the wrongs of the past, I feel that I can offset those wrongs by including others and choosing what is right over what is easy in the present and future. It's hard to look back on my high school years and recall all of the mean things that I did and I wish like crazy that I could apologize for things that I did. I'm not one to say that it's too late to do something, but, in this situation, I'm afraid that it is too late. However, I pray that by paying it forward each and every day that I can work off the debt that I owe myself and to all those that I hurt in the past. I want to be a better and always push myself to grow. If it seems childish, I'm sorry. I believe, though, that if you ever get to the point where you think you are done growing, you're in a bad place. So, I pray that we can all learn from the past, be better in the future, and love what we have today.

Prayers

Each day, throughout the day, when I bow my head to pray, I ask the Lord to wash my ears, eyes, and heart so that I may see, hear, and fell his word. I pray for the ability to put my own worries and thoughts away and try to focus on what I can do to glorify God. I have the same few sentences that I say every day. I know that God is still listening every day when I say these sentences, but he's probably getting a little bored at this point.
I was reading one of my favorite blogs, Soul Caffeine, and it had an AMAZING prayer that summarizes perfectly what I say every day in my own prayers, but it adds something more. It adds a depth that I had lost through my same old prayer. The prayer is:
Father, in Jesus’ Name I’m asking you to change the world through me Today. Please cancel all of my own plans and replace them with Your Plans. I know your plans are better even when I don’t fully understand them. Please interrupt my routine with people who need to be encouraged and helped and give me the Grace and Wisdom to help them. Please clear my mind of my many past regrets and future plans, I know that you’ve already paid the price for my past and paved the path to my future.  Today and everyday, my life is in your hands. Please forgive me of my pride, doubt and selfishness and give me the strength to be free from every form of sin. I know that all sin starts in my mind, so renew my mind with your Truth and guide my thoughts and my actions. Please help me to see the world through your eyes, Today. Help me to see people and love people the way that you do. Let me live Today with the focus and resolve I would have if I knew it was my last day on Earth. Use me as a living instrument of your Grace and Love. Today is a day that you have made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it. Thank you for the countless Blessings in my life. Today, please help me to choose an Attitude of Gratitude. I love you, LORD. Thanks so much for loving me and for reminding me with every Sunrise, that you are a God of New Beginnings, Second Chances and Beautiful Grace.
Crazy, huh? One little paragraph can affect you. If you're like me, I just read it the first time, I wasn't in-the-zone talking to Him. Yet, it still had an impact on me that I can't explain (but, of course, I'm going to try.) This prayer, so simple and straight forward, demonstrates how each and every one of us can better serve the Lord our God. It begs us to look at the world without judgement or predisposed notions. It reminds that we can't do anything about the things that happened yesterday and we can't control the unknown things of tomorrow. We have to live for today. Right now, this very moment, Jesus is sitting beside you and walking with you. Every time you hit a bump in the road, he holds your hand and lifts you up off your hands and knees. We get frustrated sometimes (well, most of the time) and that's ok, we're human. But, God has a plan which allows us stop thinking about tomorrow and worry about this moment that you are currently in. Easier said than done, but I think that this prayer will really help me to think more like Christ. Thus, I've dubbed it my new favorite prayer.

"The best Christmas I've ever had."

These were the words that an 8 year old boy said to me over and over again on Saturday morning. For the past 6 years I have participated in the rewarding Shop With A insert your mascot here. The program began at my high school, called Shop With A Mustang (SWAM). Each year we raised over $35,000 by walking around the lunch room asking students for loose change. Over $35,000 raised in a high school lunch room. It still blows my mind.
Three years ago, my good friend brought the program, Shop With A Bulldawg, to the University of Georgia as a freshman. The first year there were 80 mentors participating, last year 200 participated and this year 400 mentors showed up at 7:30am on Saturday morning to participate in SWAB. As I looked around at the event, I was astounded to see the amount of people there with the sole intention of helping those less fortunate than them.
I mentored Julian, a hyper 8-year-old boy. As we walked through the isles of Target picking up a football, Julian said it: "this will be the best Christmas I've ever had." I was so excited that we were getting things that he wanted and that would make him happy. We were buying him a football, something so simple that I would just see as a disposable toy. To Julian though, the football signified so much more. When we got back from Target to wrap his gifts, he pulled out the football to show his mom. He exclaimed, "Look at this! Marcus will love it!"I turned to Julian and asked who Marcus was. He told me that it was his older brother and that Marcus loves to play football even more than he does.
Here I am thinking we're shopping for Julian, when Julian has his mind on others and not himself. It was the perfect reminder that material things will not make us happy. It forced me to think of the multiple times that I walk by the volunteers seeking donations for The Salvation Army outside of stores. What is $1 or some loose change? It will not change my bank account or make me starve for dinner. It's just a $1, yet it could help someone else more than I can imagine. Julian was thinking of others and what he could give to them, which is what we all need to keep in mind, especially during the holiday season. It is so easy to get swept into the hustle and bustle of the holidays, but it is the most important time to give back and help others. There are so many opportunities to donate money, time, and effort to others and it can be so simple. So why do we act like it is the biggest inconvenience when do volunteer? Just something to keep in mind the next time you see someone ringing a bell standing next to a red donation bucket.

Standing Still

I don't mean to add two posts in a row that are sad, but I can't help but to share my thoughts. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and in the morning we went and helped prepare a Thanksgiving brunch for the poor. As we drove away in our Lexus to come home to a huge meal, warmth, and many luxuries, I couldn't help but think of how many things I take for granted. Don't get me wrong. I am extremely grateful for the things I have and the people that are around me, but I am not grateful like I should be. I thank the Lord for the many blessings that he has given me, but I don't thank Him constantly. I don't thank Him when I put a log on the fire or when I pull a pie out of the oven. I don't thank Him when my family sits around watching old family videos or when I sit with my laptop using wireless internet. These everyday, very real things are huge blessings. They don't go unnoticed; I recognize the moment and cherish it, but I should be thanking God for affording me with that moment.
Today, as we drove back from the mall, I text my friend asking her about the car she drove because my parents and I are looking into buying me a car. Now, I feel beyond greedy and selfish. My friend text me back and told me that the father of a family on our swim team passed away. He was late 40s/early 50s. How can that be? How can I be worrying about what car I will get when another family is worrying about what they will do without their father? I think of my life and how I would respond or even be able to live my life if I lost a family member. I don't want to imagine it and I can't fathom it. How can I be so concerned with such trivial things?
Then, just moments ago, my mom received a phone call from a college friend about one of their friends who is in the hospital fighting cancer. She was put into ICU and sedated without any family or friends there to OK this step. All I can think about is her and her family and the family of the father that passed away. I am so blessed and I don't even thank the Lord for every wonderful moment that he has given me. I thank the Lord for an amazing family, but I don't thank Him for specific things when something happens. Shame on me. How dare I not thank the Lord for every minute of beautiful life that he has laid out for me? I continuously say that I want to be a better person and a better Christian, but I will never be better if I don't take the steps to become a better person. I owe my family, my friends, and, most of all, my Lord God more. I owe Him my life and it is His to have. I am his humble servant and I can never let that knowledge leave the front of my mind. It is so easy to stumble and stray from the glorious path of Christ, but I can't afford to lose sight of the light. Jesus Christ is my savior and my light. I love Him!

Forgetting My Worries & Counting My Blessings

Today started like any other day, got up, shuffled downstairs, coffee, work... I came up short when I logged onto Facebook though. We all know the drastic changes that Facebook has been going through recently (and, trust me, I write a full post on how frustrating that is), but that is not the point I am getting to. Today, while I sit at my computer worrying about who I am going live with next year, praying my brother and his girlfriend will have a safe trip, and contemplating what I'm going to eat for dinner, is Faith Cline's 19th birthday.
I'm pretty sure that I've written about Faith before, but she is such an influential part of my life and it seems wrong to not celebrate her life again. She taught me so much about living a happy and full life, celebrating everything, talking to others in a kind way, being slow to anger, and love the Lord God with all your heart. She was never afraid or embarrassed to answer questions about her cancer. Faith taught me to have faith (her name suits her so well!) in the Lord's plan and to answer to him first before I try to live my life. He is the one and only who will get me through the tough times to bring me to the good times.
She has been gone for a little over a year now and today, her birthday, reminds me to not take anything for granted and to walk through life with an open mind and heart. I am reminded that my struggles in life are nothing compared to the heartache and fierce longing that Faith's family and friends must feel everyday. She always strove to help others and put a smile on other's faces even when she was so sick. I pray that I may live a life like Faith lived hers. She knew how to worship Christ and please Him in everything she did. She is one of my biggest role models and recall her  life to help me make good decisions. She was truly an angel and, somehow, I was lucky enough to know her. I am so blessed!

Do Unto Others

Last year when all of my friends were trying to decide who to live with in the sorority house, we ended up cutting one girl out of the group to make the rooming situation work. At the time, all I think of was how grateful I was that that one girl wasn't me. That, after all the years of being picked last for teams and not invited to parties, I was in the "in group." That I was wanted. Since then I have felt regret. Regret for neglecting her, for not telling her who I was living with, for being secretive. 

Now, one year later, I am in her position. It's time to figure out who is living with who in apartments next year and I got cut out of the group. It hurts. I felt like they went behind my back to plan living arrangements without me. It's been a constant struggle to not get upset with them or talk down to them. I have brought up the situation once, told them how I felt, cleared the air, and I pray that I do not bring it up again. 

I am being taught a lesson. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Ephesians 4:32 says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Jesus calls us to live in the light of His father, but how can we do that when we are so concerned with ourselves. I am upset that my friends are not including me, but Matthew says, "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." (18:15) He doesn't say to belittle him or hurt his feelings. It feels good to yell and put down someone how has gone against you, but that good feeling lasts for only a moment. Regret takes its place very quickly. Live life as Jesus did: forgive others and love them whole-heartedly.