Adventure is Out There

Tomorrow I move into my first hotel to start my summer long internship. I can't believe this opportunity is finally here; it's been a long time coming. I first learned of the company at UGA's career fair in September, I turned in my application and had my first round interview in January and participated in the weekend long second round interview in March. Now, eight months later, I can't help but think of all the experiences that have lead me to this moment. From the people that I've spoken with and the dedication of every employee, I know that I found a company whose values align with my own.

While the excitement and honor of receiving this internship have me ready to get on the road, I can't help but think of all that I am giving up to have this experience. I'm giving up attending my friend's wedding, my best friend's 21st birthday celebration and all of the wedding showers for my only sibling. That last point really has me second guessing if I made the right decision to accept a traveling internship for the entire summer. My brother will only get married once and I'm going to miss all of the last minute planning, taste testing and shower. It's a hard thing to come to terms with since I am close to his fiance and am in the wedding party.

I took this internship as a way to expend my personal knowledge, meet new people and travel to some amazing golf courses. It's hard to choose which thing outweighs the other, but I know that God has led me to this moment. He has a plan and somehow, I know it will all work out. So, I am choosing to go to sleep early tonight and get ready for a long summer of early mornings, golf terminology and building some amazing relationships! Here goes nothing!

Rejection

Do you ever go through situations and you're left asking yourself if you have any true friends? Now there are moments when friends aren't at their best or they say something hurtful; I'm not talking about those once in a blue moon type of situations. I'm referring to the people who constantly leave you out of plans (even though they make the plans and invite other people right in front of you) and act like they did nothing wrong. I'm talking about the people who make you feel horrible about yourself and leave you just wanting to escape reality and leave them all behind. No matter how hard you try to keep up conversation or help them with things, encounters with these people leave you feeling empty and worthless.

I feel like I end up around these people a lot. I seem to always be forgotten. To be honest, it really stinks. Just writing down these thoughts brings the feeling back and I want to break down and cry, which I refuse to cry over people who don't deserve my tears.

I can't say that it is all their fault; I'm not perfect either, but I just wish they could see how hurtful they're being. I know, I sound like a 5 year old, but here's my point. Being left out or excluded really stinks, like a lot. No matter who you are or what you're being excluded from, it feels bad. So, if we know it hurts others so much, why do we constantly choose to leave others out thinking we'll be better off without them? I know that I would probably have a better time if some people were not around, however I physically cannot exclude them because I don't want them to suffer this horrible feeling of rejection. Yet, at the same time does that mean I have to suffer through something with a person I don't really care for?

I don't know what the answer or middle ground is. However, I can take a hint when people don't want me around. And I've just decided that I'm better off without them. I want to surround myself with people who love and care about me and who can make me a better person. I have to rely on The Lord to bring those people into my life and I have to keep my eyes open and my heart washed clean so that when these people do walk into my life I can welcome them with open arms.

Swollowing Your Pride

I'm a do-it-all type of person! I hate admitting that I can't do something or figure something out; if I don't understand, I ask for clarification so that I can have full understanding. My dad always said, "Never pay for something if you can do it yourself." He was referring to handy work around our house, but, for me, it translated to "Never ask someone else to do something that you can do, but are unwilling to do."

I have struggled with this. A lot.

It is extremely difficult for me to delegate work to others, especially when I have the ability to do it myself. What's even more difficult is when I work hard to do something, but, even after all the stress and planning, someone else's idea is better than mine. This last point is what I want to talk about.

I have been working all week to design a t-shirt for an organization that I am on the executive board for. I've been sharing my ideas with the two recruitment chairs of the organization because the shirts will be for recruitment purposes and I wanted their opinions of the designs. At one point, one of them asked for the design file so she could play around with the design.... Honestly, I had no problem with that! So I sent it to her, she tweaked it and, when she sent it back, both the other recruitment chair and myself liked it better than any other design I had made. I should be happy, right? We finally got a design! But, I wasn't happy. I was mad at myself for not being able to create the "winning" design. I had the ability to create it and I failed.

Now, we're not even using her design. The t-shirt company is creating a design for us, but my frustration over the design (not the girl who created it, because I love her! She's awesome!) still lingers. As I write this, I am able to see how hard I am being on myself. It's ok that I didn't "see" the design potential. The executive board acts as a team, with each member having a different expertise and I am happy in the end that we were able to pull together to create a design. I need to learn and realize that asking for help is just as hard accepting help for me.

 We are selfish and prideful beings. It's not the way God made us, necessarily, but it's part of being human. The Lord gave us the ability to hold relationships with people because He knew that we would need help in our earthly lives. Let us rejoice in this gift! May I learn to accept this gift every day and praise The Lord for surrounding me with such talented peopled!

Being at Peace

Have you ever felt that line between complete serenity and reality? I did this morning. I was sitting on the back porch of the beach house that my friends and I are renting for spring break. It was sunny, but cold; I was curled up in a chair with yoga pants and a fuzzy sweatshirt reading Tuesdays With Morrie. I stopped reading for a moment, closed my eyes and tilted my head towards the sun.

As I sat there all alone with nothing in particular on my mind, I fell into a peaceful state. The wind blew through my hair and against my face. I could hear the ocean waves crashing against the white sandy beach just over the sand dunes. It was there, with my eyes closed and nothing on my mind that I felt completely at peace. Yet, on the other side of the house, I could hear a bulldozer beeping as it backed up. It was this strange balance between ultimate relaxation and reality. The sound of the ocean was pulling me toward surrendering my worries and doubts to the wind, to carry them far away. Then the buzzing of construction workers reminded me that I still have responsibilities and uncertainty in my life. It was a cruel tug of war game on my heart and mind.

The desires that I have to make a difference and impact the lives of others is so real, yet the struggles and hardships of life stand before me like a brick wall. I've climbed over many of these walls before and I am confident that I will in the future. Yet, these walls are still luminous in their size and structure. The moments of complete peace that I felt this morning sitting on my porch help keep me in motion. They remind me that although we are going through these defining, sometimes difficult, moments, we have the option to be at complete peace with God, ourselves and others if we so choose. It is choosing to be happy and serene that is the most challenging part. It is a hard decision, because life makes it hard to always be at peace. Temptation, jealousy and anger are always looming. Remembering to hear the ocean through the construction of those brick walls is the goal of my days and thoughts. It's a way of life and a way to lead a happy life. I choose that life, the life with The Lord as my light, and with that, I am at peace.

Life is Messy

This was the topic of a visiting priests homily this past Sunday at church and the three simple words keep popping up in my head. "Life is messy." It's so true, yet sad at the same time. Our lives are so messy; they are cluttered with technology, sticky situations, friends who might tempt us and so on. Everyday we get up and go through our routine just to happen upon new situations that throw us of balance and shake our faith. Life is messy.

The priest went on to talk about the gospel reading which was Exodus 3, where God comes to Moses through the burning bush. Now Moses fled from Egypt when he killed an Egyptian who was whipping a Hebrew. He began a new life in Midian with a wife and children and became a shepherd  He seemed to have completely started a new life and was happy. That is when God came to Moses through the burning bush and told him to return to Egypt to free His people (the Israelites) from slavery. I can only imagine Moses' reaction, "You want me to do what?" Even with his lisp, God chose Moses to complete this act. God pushed Moses out of his comfort zone, quite literally, and made Moses rely on Him for comfort and protection.

This is an amazing example and reminder that we must rely on God in all that we do, not just in trying circumstances. God pushes us out of our comfort zone, where life can get even messier, so that we can lean on Him, rebuild our trust in Him and recognize His plan for our lives.

The priest went on to ask us about the messes in our own individual lives. What is going on right now that just seems too overwhelming? It's the situations that you want to run and hide from that make life messy. Well, each of us knows of a man that had an incredibly messy life: Jesus. Jesus was put to the test everywhere he went. He was tempted by the devil, betrayed by his friends, denied by one of his closest friends and hung upon a cross for a crime that he didn't commit. What is messier than that?

Through the resurrection, Jesus gave each one of us the ability to clean up our lives: through belief and faith in the Lord. This alone is how our lives can be managed; not through our own wants and desires, but through our complete submission to God's will. Once we do this, the messes that seemed to clutter our lives get packed up in nice, neat little boxes. They are still there inside those boxes, but we are better able to see and understand them with the help of God.

The Lord's Plan

Last night, heaven welcomed a new angel: Carter Haines. Carter went to my high school, but was a year younger than me. I didn't know him personally, but many of my friends were his friends and our parents are in the same social circle. He battled a brain tumor for many months, which is so hard to believe since Carter was always super athletic and seemed so healthy. He will definitely be missed by the community and everyone that knew him.

For me, this loss comes during a time where I have been exceedingly happy and excited for the next day, the next week, and the next month. There have been so many wonderful things happening in my life and I feel so blessed. When I hear about the death of a man that was younger than me and who still had so much life and love yet to experience, I feel selfish and guilty for being so happy. It doesn't seem right. How can I feel so blessed, when people are suffering so much? What did I do to deserve such happiness? I don't feel worthy. I've used the Lord's name in vain; I've lied; I've been selfish. Yet, I feel as though the Lord keeps ushering me towards amazing opportunities and giving me life-changing experiences. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for everything that I have been given, but at times like these it just doesn't seem fair.

I hate the explanation that you always hear to those questions, "This is just life. The Lord has a plan. We should be happy that he is no longer in pain. He has finished the race." But as I sit here trying to do homework and preparing for meetings tonight, I keep repeating these statements to myself. I find comfort in them. Although these explanations cannot even begin to quiet the loss of a loved one, I fully believe that they are true. The Lord does have a plan and we are able to find joy during such hard times because God wants us to be happy. He allows us feel pain and sadness not because he has forgotten about us, but because He wants us to return to and believe in Him. 

The sense of grief and loss is a reminder that we don't know when our time will come and that we must be thankful for every day. We must take the steps the Lord has laid out for us and be prepared for when He calls our name. Only when we do this, will we truly be living by His grace and in His presence.

Couldn't Wait For 21

Yesterday was my 21st birthday. Wait, what? I'm sorry, I'm in denial. Don't get me wrong, I'm beyond excited! I've been counting down to my 21st birthday for months. The fact that I have been counting down for so long and the fact that my birthday has already come and gone is baffling. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. So weird.

The night before my birthday, I had some friends over to celebrate. My roommate decorated our apartment, we made homemade queso and served some yummy drinks. The coolest part, though, were the people who filled my apartment and sang Happy Birthday to me at midnight. I couldn't help but smile when my best friend from high school did my make up, when my other good friend brought over cupcakes and when my friend drove in from Atlanta for less then 12 hours just to see me.

There were so many different friend groups there: high school, sorority, "band of friendzz" and the random, amazing people that I have gotten to know through date night set-ups, mutual friends and classes. All of these people came to celebrate with me--and get some queso, let's be honest. But no matter their reason for coming, I am so glad that each and every one of them did. It made me realize how incredibly blessed I am to have such fun and loving people to call my friends. I have no idea what I did to be so lucky, but I am extremely thankful. I count my blessings every day; God is so good!

Cheers!