They Were Fishermen

The gospel reading at church this morning was Matthew 4:12-25. It is the story of Jesus calling his first disciples and preaching in the synagogs in Galilee. After the reading, but before the deacon began his homily, I leaned over to my dad and whispered, "He is set up for the perfect homily." However, the deacon surprised me and spoke about how the line, "they were fishermen," was a separate statement; its own individual idea. He spoke about how Jesus called these men, who had a regular lifestyle, to come and witness His miracles and hear His words. It was a wonderful homily!

When I first heard the passage, it immediately resonated with me. I interpreted the passage differently then the deacon. Jesus calling Simon Peter and Andrew is just like the way in which Jesus calls you and me. We go about our daily activities and, at moments we least expect, Jesus calls upon us. It can be on the way to the grocery store, in class, at work, wherever; Jesus calls us and expects us to listen, to follow Him. Instead of fishing nets, we hold cell phones, computers, commutes from work and school, children, boyfriends and girlfriends, even spouses. Jesus is before all of those worldly things though. When He calls, He wants us to drop our security nets--whether that be a job or a literal net like in the passage--and trust in Him. He will lead us to His word.

The passage is an amazing reminder that our worldly lives are cluttered. There is so much "stuff" that weighs down our lives on earth, that it's hard not to become consumed by it all. We must look past this "stuff", drop it, and follow Christ. Only then will our lives feel full and enriched. When we let go of our nets and fall into step with Christ will be find fulfillment, joy, and peace.

Life's Quarters

My roommate and I had a long conversation last night about life in general as well as who we are in the most basic sense. I shared with her my current focus and struggles to always be myself. It is so easy to play up or play down parts of your personality when you are with certain people. We are all guilty of it. We all have a friend who is "crazy" and when we are with that friend, we tend to let loose a little more or be a little louder then we normally would be. Then we have a friend who is introspective and, when we are around him/her, we are quieter and more pensive. We feed off of other people's energy; it's not a bad thing, it's just part of being human.

Although I have not been able to completely stop this (it's truly quite hard), I have been more conscious of remaining true to myself at all times. Over the holidays I had quite time that I was able to dedicate to myself, to dig deep, and to uncover who I was at this point in my life. With my grandmother's passing, it was impossible to not reflect on my life to this point and the direction that my life is headed. There are some aspects that I am extremely proud of, such as my work with nonprofits and my internships. There are some parts that I need to spend more time on, like friendships and my faith. Then there are some that I need to move past, namely self-consciousness and doubt, even some friendships--I'm going to throw cussing in here as well, because it's so easy to do, yet I truly dislike foul language.

I believe that The Lord brings people into our live when we need them the most. Perhaps we need them for support during a hardship or they are supposed to teach us a lesson or we are supposed to teach them a lesson. No matter the reason, life and relationships are a journey. Some people are only brought into our lives to provide us with warmth and nourishment (for the soul) as we pass through a checkpoint. If we were to hold on to every relationship no matter how good or bad, we would have too much baggage; we wouldn't be able to continue on our journey. Then there are some people who God places in our lives to stay. I like to think of them as a pace car. They're there to encourage us and push us to keep going no matter how many times we fall. We don't have too many of these pace car friends in our lives. Think about it, not everyone can fit into one car and no one really needs more then one pace car, so we pick and choose the relationships that we focus on and improve.

I love the saying, "I'd rather have four quarters than 100 pennies." Like 100 pennies,  having too many "best friends" will weigh you down. I have six friends, six quarters, that I count as my most cherished relationships. I could go to them with anything; I know that they will be there for me and vise versa. Throughout grade school and with the rise of social media, it's come to be that having more friends makes you cooler or more liked. However, I have realized that having too many close friends wears me down more then it builds me up. I'm a "more the merrier" type of person, but, when it comes to my relationships, I am selfishly selective. I don't want just anyone to be in my closest circle of friends, I want people who will help me to be better. I will never turn my back on someone that needs me, God has brought people into my life so that I can help them as well.

My point is that not everyone needs to know me at my most basic level. It's ok to pick and choose who you tell the important stuff to. Life isn't one big status (I'm still mulling over the whole social media thing), it is a series of defining moments that cannot be summed up in one or two sentences and can't even be put into words. It's the people who know you best, your quarters, that matter. For your quarters feel your pains and joys with you, they don't need a disclaimer to figure you out.

Social Media: A Game Changer

When my grandmother passed away last month, my world changed. I went from rushing through life, to enjoying and savoring each moment. I went from praying when I needed something to constantly talking with God. I went from speaking without thinking to holding my tongue when I didn't have anything nice to say. It was easy to make these big life changes when I was at home. Temptation, jealously, stress drifted away as soon as I walked into my house. Yet, at school, these daily struggles seem to hang on my actions and thoughts as though they were a ball and chain around my ankles. They are constantly weighing on me, making it more challenging to hold my tongue and appreciate the moment.

Over the past several years, I've become a social media addict. Everything I do or think is posted on social media--yes, I am currently posting on a social media site, but bear with me. I posted photos, photoshopped many times, and statuses promoting or bragging about something. While I was posting these things, I thought that I was "connecting" with people, letting them see what was going on in my life. However, what I didn't realize is that, I was giving acquaintances and even dear friends and family too much information. I found that I had nothing to talk to my extended family members about because they saw everything I was doing via social media. I was at a lose too because I could see what was going on in their lives because of social media. For a person who values face-to-face communication (and loves to talk, for that matter), I was lost.

I decided to take a break. I haven't given it up 100%, but I'm more selective about what I am posting and revealing online. I went to a gymnastics meet last night, but only my roommates whom I went with and the few friends that I saw there, know. Normally, I would have tweeted about it or insisted on getting a few pictures with my roommates to post on Facebook. It seems like a minute thing, but it has had a profound impact on my life in just a few short weeks. I've realized that part of the reason I posted so many things on social media sites was to get more "likes" or "retweets" from others. Their acknowledgement of my posts or photos was a confidence booster. What I was doing, no matter what it was, was important or interesting or cool.

This step back from social media, has left me feeling unimportant and lonely in some ways. It sounds crazy, but to a world who is obsessed with instantaneous communication and information, it is a hard adjustment. Instead of waking up and checking Facebook, Twitter and Instagram (which is what I used to do), I grab my daily devotional and read the bible verse for the day. It's not easy; I have to consciously choose to not look at social media as much, but I kind of like the feeling of people not knowing what I am doing every moment of every day. There's finally truth to my "let's hang out and catch up" comments. It's a refreshingly basic change to my life, yet I have had more important self-discovery moments in the last few weeks than I had had in a long time. It's a challenge, a personal one, but I am loving every moment of it! So, if I don't respond to a text or post on social media, I'm sorry. I can honestly say it's not you, it's me.

You Say Goodbye & I Say Hello

Over the past few weeks I've really looked internally at who I am and what I am doing with my time on this earth. I would be lying if I said that Gram's passing has nothing to do with this personal and internal evaluation; it has everything to do with Gram. Initially, I felt lost after she passed. What was I supposed to do without her? She answered my big life questions, she was my go-to and one of my greatest role models. It is only now, three weeks later and back at school that I realize that all of Gram's talks and lessons were setting me up for this moment when I wouldn't have her to bounce an idea off of. She was teaching me what I needed to know to stand on my own two feet.

Now, looking at my life, I see holes and gaps. The locations of these holes in my life are areas where I want the road to be smooth. So, I'm putting up signs and starting the long, hot process of repaving and reestablishing my priorities in life. I am tired of the constant negativity that seemed to be weighing down my life. I don't want it.

Goodbye negativity. Hello optimism.
Goodbye judgement. Hello acceptance.
Goodbye pity. Hello prayer.
Goodbye inferiority. Hello confidence.
Goodbye complaints. Hello motivation.
Goodbye awkward. Hello pride.
Goodbye uneasiness. Hello Lord.

I am saying hello to a better, more Christ-centered, confident, happy person and I have my grandmother to thank for all of the lessons that she taught me over these 21 years. Much love.

Enjoy it

Perhaps it's the feeling of sophistication from the glass of wine I just had on my plane ride to Kansas or the satisfaction from the new best time I just logged in Solitare. Maybe it's the relaxation of not having school work for the past month or the owe of the view from my window seat--thousands of yellow spots beautifully illuminating the night sky. It might have even been the comment I made to the barista at Starbucks telling him that the drink sleeves were almost gone at the cream and sugar bar and his friendly, "You're awesome! Thanks!" response. Whatever it is, I can't help but feel perfectly at peace right here in this moment. 

To say the past two weeks have been easy would be a lie. It's been a roller coaster of emotions: happiness from seeing my family and friends turns to grief and sadness over the loss of my grandmother. It's been an emotional and internal battle like nothing I've ever experienced before.   I feel guilty when I laugh or smile because I feel like I shouldn't be happy so soon after one of my greatest roles passes away. I'm constantly reminding myself that the joy I am experiencing is exactly what my grandmother urged me to seek for so many years. "You take care of yourself and don't forget to have a little fun, ok," she'd say with a wink. "Enjoy it, Meg." 

I never asked what she was talking about when she said, "enjoy it!" What was "it" that I needed to enjoy? The plane ride home? The coming semester? My family? My friends? I never asked for clarification, because deep down I think I knew all along that she wanted me to enjoy the life I have been blessed with. 

I think she knew I would get it eventually. It's like when your parents say, "You'll understand some day," and you're stuck feeling like a frustrated child. I never asked for clarification because it was my grandmother; I hung on her every word. She never clarified "it" because she knew that my vision was still clouded by stereotypes, naive thoughts of what the world was really like, and preconceived notions of what my life should look like in the future. She knew. It has only been after this whirlwind of a year of growth in my faith and, really, in all areas of my life (sadly that has included my waistline a few times throughout year) that I have understood "it." It, this wonderful life that God has given to me and the beauty in each and every day, is meant to be enjoyed through my actions and my words. All I do, I aim to praise and please God, which makes everything that much more enjoyable. How is it that Gram continues to change and shape my life even after she has left this earth? Truly, she was and still is amazing!