Enjoy it

Perhaps it's the feeling of sophistication from the glass of wine I just had on my plane ride to Kansas or the satisfaction from the new best time I just logged in Solitare. Maybe it's the relaxation of not having school work for the past month or the owe of the view from my window seat--thousands of yellow spots beautifully illuminating the night sky. It might have even been the comment I made to the barista at Starbucks telling him that the drink sleeves were almost gone at the cream and sugar bar and his friendly, "You're awesome! Thanks!" response. Whatever it is, I can't help but feel perfectly at peace right here in this moment. 

To say the past two weeks have been easy would be a lie. It's been a roller coaster of emotions: happiness from seeing my family and friends turns to grief and sadness over the loss of my grandmother. It's been an emotional and internal battle like nothing I've ever experienced before.   I feel guilty when I laugh or smile because I feel like I shouldn't be happy so soon after one of my greatest roles passes away. I'm constantly reminding myself that the joy I am experiencing is exactly what my grandmother urged me to seek for so many years. "You take care of yourself and don't forget to have a little fun, ok," she'd say with a wink. "Enjoy it, Meg." 

I never asked what she was talking about when she said, "enjoy it!" What was "it" that I needed to enjoy? The plane ride home? The coming semester? My family? My friends? I never asked for clarification, because deep down I think I knew all along that she wanted me to enjoy the life I have been blessed with. 

I think she knew I would get it eventually. It's like when your parents say, "You'll understand some day," and you're stuck feeling like a frustrated child. I never asked for clarification because it was my grandmother; I hung on her every word. She never clarified "it" because she knew that my vision was still clouded by stereotypes, naive thoughts of what the world was really like, and preconceived notions of what my life should look like in the future. She knew. It has only been after this whirlwind of a year of growth in my faith and, really, in all areas of my life (sadly that has included my waistline a few times throughout year) that I have understood "it." It, this wonderful life that God has given to me and the beauty in each and every day, is meant to be enjoyed through my actions and my words. All I do, I aim to praise and please God, which makes everything that much more enjoyable. How is it that Gram continues to change and shape my life even after she has left this earth? Truly, she was and still is amazing!